Secretly, I’m A Switch

The beautiful Betty Paige as both a sub and Domme.

The beautiful Betty Paige

I am a switch. That means that I can be both a Dominant and a Submissive. Now, every switch is different in how it works for them, but I am just going to describe how it is for me.

Mostly, I am the Dominant one. I worked as a Dominatrix for several years and in general, I am just given to being the more aggressive person in a relationship. I have dated a lot of people, and had sex with a lot more. In almost all of those relationships I have been the Dominant party. It is what comes most naturally to me.

However, sometimes I meet someone that I can switch with. It has only happened 3 times in my life, but it does happen. I’ll find someone I trust, and who I am comfortable with. And I can be submissive with them.

There are lots of different types on Subs and Doms out there. My good friend Hexavier is a Sadist. That means that he likes to hurt people. It also means he matches up best with girls who really like pain. Not all submissives do, but the ones that do fit well with him because he likes to hurt them and hear them scream.

This doesn’t match at all with me. As a sub, I am more into the psychological aspect. Restraints and fear and all that can be fun, but I don’t actually like pain. Sure, a flogging is nice. But really painful stuff just isn’t fun for me. I like the kind of Top who has fun making a girl squirm in pleasure; not in pain.

Some look at pain as a necessary aspect of BDSM. And perhaps a little pain here and there is necessary. But it’s not like all Doms take pleasure in causing others pain. For me; I enjoy setting up a scene and playing it out when I know it’s something my submissive will like, and I know they will have a good time. For example, on my favorite Pet’s birthday last year I set up a threesome with myself and an Asian girl. That was something he always wanted, and it was fun to make it happen. However, when a sub of mine genuinely does enjoy pain, then I enjoy inflicting it. A former pet loved to be beaten, and so I would hit her as hard as I could for an hour at a time. You see; when I set up a scene, it’s not about me.

I could throw a lot of terms and labels at you for all of this. But I guess since this blog is more meant to be for amateurs than scene kids, I won’t. The point is that a switch can play either part in a scene, and though I can rarely find a worthy Dom, I am secretly a switch.

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Picking Out A Title

I'm going ti say she looks like a pet

She Looks Like A Pet

 

I got asked recently how I choose to call my pet by the title of “pet.” This got me thinking about how hard it can be to define a relationship in the BDSM community. So, I guess I’m going to talk a little about that.

First, it’s really something you should talk about with the person you have the relationship with. Ergo, my blog can only do so much. I guess just bare that in mind, okay?

Now then, there are lots of different titles and they can mean different things to different people. I know that in some scenes, “pet” would mean something different than it does to me and my pet. Keep in mind that BDSM terms are something that change over time, and vary from scene to scene. What someone in Korea calls a pet might not be what someone in Thailand thinks a pet is.

That said, it seems to me that most relationships I come across have one person who is clearly more Dominant, and one person who is clearly more Submissive. So, in a wider sense, those terms are how one starts to define a BDSM relationship.

Beyond that, there are sub-categories that a relationship could fit into. Perhaps a Dominant controls every aspect of the Submissives’ life. In that case, the submissive might be better defined as a slave. Or perhaps they simply look out for them, but never tell them what to do. Then they might be less of a Dom and more of a Protector. In my case, I chose “pet,” even though we do not engage in pet play. (I don’t have a tail butt plug for him and he doesn’t crawl around on the floor much.) I feel it defines the relationship well because he is so much younger that I feel like he’s someone I have to take care of, as you would a pet. And besides, he loves to lay with his head in my lap and have his hair played with.

In any case, I feel like the terms you use to define a relationship are largely subjective. That can make it particularly complicated when you want to define your relationship for others. If  you need help, it always helps to bring it up at a munch (fetlife event for kinksters) and see what people in your local scene tend to use.

Also, leather families can play a role in finding a name. 

The concept behind a leather family is that you’ll have a group of kinksters that are all sort of bonded together in some way. Often, it will spring from one relationship with a poly couple, who then have pets who have other significant others. As the web grows, some people are more senior and some are less, and so they end up forming a hierarchy that is usually referred to as a leather family.

So in such a situation, the family often helps to define terms. 

I really terms for submissives like Pet, Slave, and Whore. And for me, I like Mistress, Master, or Godess for me. 

But be inventive! You can use pre-defined roles that exist when you start out, but over time, you will probably find a definition for each relationship you have that suits it. 

Memories

This week I stayed home and hung out with Mr. Knight. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go hunt down the boys, since the sex just isn’t exciting to me. The problem with spending too much time in the kink community is, it ruins you for vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong- now and again I have had some vanilla sex that was pretty good and made me happy. It does happen. However, for the most part, it’s not as exciting as it should be.

I am a Switch, though I tend to be a Domme. What that means is, I tend to take charge of a situation, but in rare cases, I can submit to people that I deem worthy. So this week while I was watching Sherlock Holmes and drinking with Mr. Knight, I let my mind wander back to better sex and wonder about how to find someone new to play with so that I can sate the monster inside.

My favorite play partner in a long time, I shall call Mr. Bond. His job was in Military Intelligence, and we’ll leave it at that. It’s just that a spy named seemed appropriate since he really did join hoping to be James Bond. (Not that it worked out that way or anything, but you know; the thought was there.)

Mr. Bond was only twenty one when I met him, but brilliant. He solved puzzles incredibly quickly and managed to also have a good social IQ, which I find to be a very impressive combination of skills. More importantly, he had the quality I need in a Dom. He was the kind of person who focused completely on his partner while having sex. He was selfless, considerate, and able to pick up on the slightest change in breathing or movement of a limb- then extrapolate the meaning behind it. In other words, he could read my mind.

Oh course, one does not need to read my mind. I speak. I am very vocal about what I want in bed and everywhere else. However, the ability to read a lover’s mind is still really important in BDSM. What if they are tied up and gagged? You need to still be able to evaluate their responses so you can make sure they aren’t having a bad experience. I can do this, and I only submit to others who can do it too.

I can not tell you how much fun Mr. Bond was. He learned Shibari just because I asked him to. And, because he’s a genius at puzzles, he learned a bunch of knots in a single week. He came over one weekend and I mentioned that I’d like him to check it out to tie me up with. The following weekend he brought several lengths of silk rope over and showed me all the cool knots he’d learned. I guess he practiced by tying himself and things in his barracks up. I have never been more impressed with anyone in a BDSM sense than I was with Mr. Bond just then.

Because I grew up on the streets, I am often accused of being somewhat heartless and cold. I grew a tough exterior out of self-defense, but it has remained in place and it serves me well as a Domme. I tend to control a situation out of instinct, because in the past, things left to chance went very badly for me. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not, but it’s very hard for me to drop the shell and be anything but a strong, powerful woman. To do it, I must be very impressed by the person I am with. That is a rare thing, and Mr. Bond is one of only two people I have ever submitted to. He was impressive enough that I found it very easy to fall at his feet.

Sadly, Mr. Bond left recently. Such is the nature of the military. They do not stick around long. Since then I have been trying to hunt up fun play partners, but even though I am looking through fetlife, I can’t seem to find anyone very kinky. Well, I guess Mr. Nice Guy is kinky… but I just can’t bring myself to beat him. And Mr. Uptight is on fetlife, but I can’t figure out why since he doesn’t seem kinky at all. I’ve tried to talk about it with him (and write extensive e-mails about it since he doesn’t seem okay with talking in person) but thus far, I can’t really get much out of him. Some people are so hard to talk to!

I will write a post some time about talking to your kinky partner. Scene negotiation is super-hard sometimes, because people are often embarrassed or have trouble talking about what they want. Getting them to talk is the key to having fun, so I have several methods I use to try to force people to communicate. I’ll devote a whole post to it soon.

For now, I guess I’ll just chill out and patiently wait until the Physicist gets here, because he sounds interesting.

Meet the boys

I feel in a bit of a funk as of late…

My religious pet whom I shall call Mr. Perfect was never going to be anything but a sexless coffee shop buddy. Oh sure- he’s tall, dark and handsome. He’s also desperately horny and barely hides it under all that awkward and overly-polite behavior. Yet, months of trying to talk some sense into him have failed utterly. It’s not just that he steadfastly believes in his god- it’s that he’s sure his god thinks sex is a terrible sin and he mustn’t do it unless he’s married. That’s problem for me, so we are at an impasse.

The thing about Mr. Pefect is; I really do enjoy his company. I adore fighting with him about his beliefs, and I would certainly do so much longer if he wasn’t moving back to California. It’s been a great year at coffee shops and language lessons. I even went with him to his church. Why not? It’s not as though I will burst into flames if I walk into one, (though I know some people who speculated that I would.)

Alas, there will never be any sex with Mr. Perfect. And now I have to say goodbye to him and it’s tearing me apart.

I did get him a parting gift though. It’s a book about a devil and an angel who become friends called “Good Omens.” I wrote on the inside cover that I adore him and always wanted him, but I doubt he’ll ever open the book. He’s the sort who borrows a book and then never gets around to reading it. Still, if he does, he’ll know that a wicked, wicked girl loved him. He was always terrified of me because of the fetish proms and stuff, and I knew deep down that I’d be unhappy if we ever got together because vanilla sex would bore me… but fantasies don’t make sense and I’ll miss dreaming of Mr. Perfect taking me in his arms and kissing me with those big, perfect lips.

He’s not the only one I want but can’t have either. I’m chasing a 20-year-old too, which should probably be against the law. The poor thing is far too young to realize what he’s being pursued by. I just can’t help myself though because he’s damaged as hell. He was molested by the babysitter and unloved by all his many step-parents and care-takers. He’s broken and it’s so attractive to someone like me who is also broken inside.

I’ll keep chasing Mr. Broken forever, but I’m starting to realize it’s not likely I’ll catch him. I think I’m older than the babysitter who molested him and, in any case, I can’t try too hard with someone who’s been raped. I know what that is like. So I keep him off to the sidelines and think of him as a random encounter (to use D&D terminology.) I do see his big, ice-blue eyes when I fall asleep sometimes though.

That only leaves me two others.

First there is Mr. Uptight. It’s not hard to convince him to have sex; it’s just not any fun. He’s impossibly frigid in bed- like a high school girl who just lays there and is afraid to even moan. I’m not really sure why, but my guess is that he’s got some serious thrill issues from watching dirty, dirty internet porn and he’s an engineer so naturally, he’s incapable of communicating. He could be having that crazy sex he wants. I’m about as twisted as they come. But I’m not a mind-reader and I’ll only put so much effort into trying to hear the words in someone’s head before I say “fuck it.” At least he has a 10-inch cock. That’s too big- if you ask me. However, since it seems the pain of thinking my vagina is going to be torn in half is all I am getting out of this, I may as well enjoy the novelty of it. One does not often get to fuck someone with a cock like a porn star.

I think the best part about fucking Mr. Uptight is seeing the Magnum wrappers all over the floor in the morning. I like when we have sex on the table, and then the chair or couch, and then in the morning there are little gold condom wrappers everywhere. That never fails to make me smile.

Then there is Mr. Nice Guy. As always when you have a bunch of boys around, I can see traits in him that would mesh well with traits in the others, if I was trying to make the perfect guy. Like, if I could slice them all apart and just take what I want, Mr. Nice Guy has some good qualities. He’s thoughtful, likes to give foot rubs and back massages, listens carefully and attentively to everything I say, and cares deeply. Also, he’s desperate for a mate (not just a lover) and the desperate wafts off him in a way that I find both appalling and cute.

Also, he’s very, very submissive and that always wigs me just a bit in guys. I love switches and I can handle submissive guys if they have pride. Mr. Nice Guy though… he mixes being a submissive with lacking self-confidence and it’s just too many types of desperate to handle at once. I’d be fine tying him up and beating him if I didn’t know he was unhappy- is all I mean.

Anyway the things about people is, the good is always offset by bad. There are no perfect people. So while they all have good qualities, they all have bad qualities too. I can’t just chop them up and take the bits I want, welding them together to make the perfect man. I am stuck using each of them for a small bit of what I want, and only being happy overall. This is why monogamy is bullshit. I hate the idea that I am supposed to get ALL THE THINGS from one person.

Anyway it feels like a bit of a funk lately, but I’m sure things will pick up again soon. They always do in my life.